Friday, 3 October 2014

All alone

This is Hell this lonliness this lack of connection with others and always finding myself alone, if it wasn't for the fact I'm on the surface I would have sworn I was back in that cell I spent centuries locked away in. Yet the morning always comes to remind me there is light in my darkness, but I feel like my insanity is getting worse always being alone. To know you're insane is to know there are cracks in your mind, cracks that even with your anchors get worse and worse the more there is factors that make them break open. Sometimes it feels like claws digging in to my brain I can hear it scratching, trying to get out to be free to make me the monster I truly am.

I must uphold our values even when away from my Nephilim, protect the humans make them see that angels are the bad guys not us. When you got people like me in their ranks, leading them its hard not to think of yourself as a hypercrit, I eat people because I love the taste of their flesh and I hurt people because I love the sound of their screams. Ugh... Go away! Stop it! I won't let you out! Not today, not while I hold my sword close to me, please stop I don't want to be mad anymore.

I don't want to be insane.

For all I know I could be mad right now but I have my sword with me, my precious blade that never leaves my side.

Not long ago I got a letter from the one who is my leader, the one who made me a General of her army in Charm. It said that Charm has been neutrilised of the Angel threat and we all needed to move on, this was sent to me during my first month of absence she must have known I had gone already for the letter found me. For now the army I led has disbanded and scattered until she sends word to gather again, in my moments of being lucid I wonder how they are all doing all scattered around the lands now. No purpose, no goal, no unity and perhaps they are currently like me alone, wandering, lost. Every day is the same its empty and I haven't even found Matias again, not that it matters now since the pain of his loss has dulled. I can move on. Time has ticked on its been two years since that letter, this hole inside of me is gnawing away at my soul.


Fuck emotions!

Days like this I wonder why I even wanted them in the first place, they're horrible making me feel terrible. There are good emotions too the ones that make you happy, love, have joy, excitement, emotions make our existance stop being a blank void of nothing. When I sit to think about it I know deep down Morning Star was right that we should have these, that we as the first children had a right to feel how humans felt. Sometimes we can't cope with these emotions, each one we've not felt before is new. I know for a fact that when I find a new one it takes me ages to comprehend and adjust to it, there is no coping so in your own confusion of the feeling you tend to lash out. Or as humans say act like a child.

I just don't want to be alone any longer. Maybe I should find work to keep me busy, I like being busy for leading kept me busy. My people kept me busy and I enjoyed commanding them or hanging out with them, always mingling with the lower ranks learning how they tick. Yes I need work... Something... Anything...

This is Hell on Earth, I can't stand it any longer.


Let me burn the world.

No comments: